I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize