I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
