why do cheetos always look like penises
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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