i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
