Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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