Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
