I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
be right there i have to get my cape
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sorry about my life...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
