Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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