You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
