I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
