She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Randomize
