If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
