I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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