I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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