I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
