i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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