I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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