If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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