cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
