I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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