I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
