Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i think my cat just said my name.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
