She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
