I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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