My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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