Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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