You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
