I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
