Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
