Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
