If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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