awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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