Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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