I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
