I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
