is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
