i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Mom said you looked used
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
