so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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