Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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