We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
