Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
