I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
