I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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