I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
