I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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