After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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