If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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