I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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