She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
it glows. i had to have it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
