If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
