why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I still have a little drunk in my system
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize