I think I am morally bankrupt
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
