Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I touched a dick in church today
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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