I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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