I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I am spending my child support on dildos
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
