There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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