I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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