Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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