What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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