i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
