Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
